“What do these two lines mean?”

Even though I haven’t been posting for two months, I’ve been writing…. Here’s a back log of my blog posts.


October 28th, 2013

I blinked several times and tried to refocus on the lines on the “simple to read” pregnancy test. The whole point of this pregnancy test is that it’s idiot proof. Two lines, three lines, it’s only lines. Then why can’t I seem to process what it’s saying?

I showed it to Husband, who miraculously was home at 4:30 on a Monday afternoon. He sat me down on the couch, held my hands and said, “What are you feeling right now?”

Being able to have emotions and feelings is the strongest part of my personality type. It’s how I process information. And yet, I didn’t feel anything. Nothing, nada, zilch. I became fascinated with the paisley pattern on our couch pillows. I was in shock.

Ten minutes later, Husband (who clearly handles shock better than I do) was flipping through his med school textbooks and surgery board prep books. “There’s nothing in here about pregnancy. Oh wait, maybe it’s under special conditions…”

“Didn’t you have classes specifically on this?!” I asked.

“I did. And I took a class, and then I flushed all the info.”

“Well gee, thanks. And I thought having a doctor as a husband would make this easier.”

“I can tell you,” He points to a page in a surgery board book, “That you’ll develop symptoms to liver failure, with yellowing of skin, brown spots, and… you’re going to get really fat!!!! Muwhahaha! You’re going to look hilarious. Now let’s look up what you can and can’t eat. I’m hungry. Oh crap. No sushi? Awh man…”

November 2, 2013
Another blessing, we had the first saturday free the week we found out I was pregnant. We drove down to Southaven and had lunch at Longhorn.

The waiter delivered our food- “And here we have the steak for you, sir-“

“Uh, no… the steak is for my wife. I have the sandwich.”

The first thing we bought, post-pregnancy news? New running shoes for me. It was a consolation prize for the horrible morning sickness I had been experiencing.

Next stop was the Books A Million. It took a few minutes to find the pregnancy book section (is it under health? lifestyle? family?). I had an entire story revolving around a best friend getting pregnant and seeing them the following weekend, requiring me to buy a pregnancy book with my husband, and the green tint to my skin was from a bad sushi experience from the night before, in case I ran into one of my students or their parent at the book store.

We settled on Pregnancy for Dummies, partly because one of our friends was giving us her copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and partly because we felt like, well, dummies when it came to this whole baby thing.

“OH my GOSH, are you PREGNANT?!?!?!” The cashier shrieks at me. I furtively glance around the store to make sure no one within 500 feet knew who I was. “Yes, she is,” Husband wraps his arm around my waist, “And she’s having horrible morning sickness.” “Well,” the cashier twitters while she’s scanning the book, “NO ONE wants to hear HOW AMAZING my pregnancy was.”

You’re right, I don’t.

November 9th, 2013

I think Husband is more alarmed with how loud I’m belching than the fact that we’re expecting a baby. Willis has come running into the room with a “Did I hear a cow cry out in pain in here?” look on his face. Nope, bud, just me. Burping.

I like sleep. I like chicken biscuits. And I love Zophran.

November 17th, 2013

Pregnancy is like puberty, all over again. I’m reading these prep books and I’m thinking, “I’m going to grow hair WHERE?!”. Last night, I went on an emotional tirade against my husband for saying he was going to wear flip-flops to dinner. “It’s THE MIDDLE OF NOVEMBER. No one wears FLIP FLOPS in NOVEMBER. Change. Now.”

November 19th, 2013

“Here you go. I swiped this from the surgery lounge.” My husband hands me a donut wrapped in a napkin. He had arrived at our first prenatal appointment 30 minutes early (beating me by 20 minutes) and was waiting at the elevators when I walked in the women’s health building.
My husband has not been on the patient side of things since his physical for medical school eight years ago. He’s blessed with good health so he can take care of people with bad health, I suppose. So having him with me for the appointment was both amusing and unpredictable.
“How’s the first trimester going?” The nurse asked as we walked back to the ultrasound room.
“Horrible, absolutely horrible.” He says.
“He’s only saying that because I haven’t been able to cook him dinner every weeknight like I normally do”.
“Exactly, it’s been horrible.”
While he has been empathetic, sometimes he just looks at me and goes, “C’mon hun, just fight through it.”
I’m growing a leg here, for crying out loud. Let me lay on the couch and eat pizza.

The appointment went great; I won’t bore you with the sappy details of the first sonogram (like how I fell in love the minute I saw the blob floating around, or how we both teared up when we saw the miracle of the heartbeat)… our little gummi bear is healthy and growing. Praise The Lord.

The only thing that REALLY jarred me was that I’m now measuring at 5’3”. I’ve been 5’2” since high school. It’s the only thing I knew would never change, or at least until osteoporosis gets to me and I shrink to 5 foot even. I checked to see if my hair was teased higher than normal, and it wasn’t… so apparently the baby isn’t the only thing growing around here. MAYBE I’ll grow an inch each month, and I’ll be almost six feet tall when I give birth!

November 30th, 2013
Things that make me nauseous:
– alfredo sauce
– bad breath
– baked goods, of any kind
– awkward maternity photos that I googled (bad idea)
– Martha Stewart, more specifically when she makes baked goods on TV. Truth.
– pictures of fudge (thank you, pinterest)
– exhaust fumes
– Hoarders on TV

Things that I love to eat:
– chicken biscuits
– fried chicken
– italian dressing
– pizza
– fruit smoothies
– the calamari sauce they serve at the Local off Madison. I don’t know what it’s made of but I could drink it

December 9th, 2013
I’ve been able to hide the pregnancy relatively well at work. There was that one time that someone microwaved deer sausage in the break room. I had to cancel a drive to Nashville because of morning sickness early in November, so my two bosses found out and were incredibly understanding. They’re also men, so all I had to say was “morning sickness” and they didn’t ask for any other explanation. Bless them. I’ve also had to dress differently… I have a slight bump, but it looks more like a beer belly instead of a baby belly. Thankfully, large scarves and tunics have seemed to work, although I can’t wear any of my jeans. I bought a pair of maternity jeans this weekend, but I have to roll the band multiple times, and they sag in the butt like when your swimsuit gets filled with sand at the beach.

The only major mistake I’ve made happened today. I can’t eat any sweets without getting nauseous… just thinking about them is making me feel queasy right now.

One of my favorite teachers at the school is the Home Ec teacher. She went out of her way to include me in school events my first year, and I will bend over backwards for her. Her Cooking 1 class learns how to make cookies (drop cookies, rolled dough cookies, bar cookies…) and they have a Christmas cookie event the last full week of school. She asked me and two other teachers (including my boss) to help judge the cookie contest.

I thought I could push through the nausea (baked goods are the #1 trigger for me) and help her out. Wrong. I had to taste 13 different types of cookies, and started making my portions smaller and smaller and smaller until finally the teacher looked at me and asked if I was going to be sick. I had to spill the beans and left shortly after… it took about an hour for my stomach to settle. Darn you baked goods.

December 17th, 2013
My second OB appointment went great… although I was ten minutes late because I went to the wrong office (they have two different offices on separate floors…which makes total sense and I’M the idiot.) and I went into the wrong side of the building and had to walk through the annals of Methodist Germantown. On the bright side, that’s where I’m delivery and the annals were clean and newer looking.

Baby R decided that he/she didn’t like their initial due date and instead of June 25, they’re planning to come around June 17. I don’t like prime numbers so hopefully they’ll come on another day. Which makes me 14 weeks today, so I’ve been “enjoying” my second trimester for a week now and didn’t know it.

The took extra blood than normal because I needed to get tested for a blood clotting disorder. The nurse told me to eat some red meat today to make up for the blood loss; I asked if Taco Bell counted and she gave me a disapproving look. So, I stopped by Burger King and scarfed down a Whopper on the way home.


  1. You do not have your father’s sense of humor. That is a good thing. I am looking forward to further posts. I am sure baked goods will return to favorable status soon.

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