Country Grammar

The high school office is a place several students retreat to if they can’t stand to sit still in study hall. In fact, alot of teachers visit in the office, too. The teachers and students alike seem to take delight in the fact that I’m new, and haven’t heard many of the famous stories that go around school. Yesterday I was treated to Nolan’s goat story. Nolan and his two friends dropped by and I was immediately entertained by their deadpan country humor…

“Well, you see, I have three goats-”

“Are they fainting goats? I love fainting goats”

“No m’am… we had fainting goats, but they ate the bark off our trees, and killed them ‘n whatnot, so now we have pygmy goats”

“And there names are…?”

“Sparky, Thunder, and Blackie”

“Oooh… Thunder! Is he big?”

“No m’am, they’s pygmy goats. Pygmy goats are little”

His friend chimes in, “And he’s got a video of him with a helmet on headbuttin’ his goats”

He stage whispers back, “No, that weren’t a helmet- that was my hair all messed up.

Anyhow, I was at home one night and I heard my goats just a squealin’. I looked out my window and there was three pit bulls just eating my goats. So I grabbed my .83 and ran outside and shot them dogs-”

“Eating them?! Were the gnawing on Thunder’s leg?”

“No m’am… the one I shot first had Thunder around the throat. So I ran after the other pit bull and shot it in the back. Then my brother came out and told me not to shoot the third one ‘cuz he was just runnin in circles and not doing much harm…”

“So they’re not dead? Thunder’s better?”

“Well, yes’m.”

“Oooh, can you bring them to school? Like on the last day?’

“I could try, m’am, but they keep jumpin’ out the back of my truck… kinda hard to get ’em here…”


This lead to a further discussion of driving trucks vs. tractors to school, and the logistics of driving said tractor to school.

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